I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
