Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
