we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize