I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
