I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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