I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I don't deserve a penis
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
