so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
