You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
