I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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