at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize