Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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