i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
