just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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