I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
