I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
