He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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