half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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