community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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