Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
