You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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