i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
