its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I'm like, not good at living.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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