what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
