how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
