You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
