I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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