dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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