I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
