She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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