Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
