I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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