If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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