Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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