Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize