So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I booty called her while she was in labor.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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