i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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