the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
