I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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