I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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