I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
