we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
