Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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