My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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