He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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