Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
