new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
