I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
