And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Randomize