The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Randomize
