just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize