If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
