She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
