I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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