my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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