I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize